The second I'm on top (or as close to the top as I'll ever be) someone or something has to knock me down again. Why do I keep trying? Why do I allow myself to try and be happy when it only hurts a million times more after something bad happens? I don't deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to be so damn broken. Can't I just have a break? Please? Just one day of feeling good. One day of being sane. Please?

Don't you just hate it when LJ sends you a butt-load of messages that are bullshit? Is that really just me?


Anyways, life has been pretty eventful. With a muffin meetup in September and a Zombie Walk in October, I'll have lots to do! Which means working on a new outfit. Though I wish I had more legitimate boots for the MM. I like my Edwardian shoes, I really do, but I'd rather have granny boots. :/ Unfortunately they are pretty pricey and I am broke as shit. Not to mention they're almost always patent leather, which I don't wear. Oh well. I got a new Goth Lolita-esque blouse at an unbelievably good price so I'm pretty darn happy.(I think we all know how expensive Lolita clothes can get...) And that is about all I have to say. XD

So this Thursday I met a man. And this man isn't like any other man. This man has the voice of a fallen angel. He is funny and entertaining. Not to mention smart. Oh and married. They call him *drum roll* VOLTAIRE! His set has to be the most fun you'll ever go to. Well, if you are/were a goth then you may understand the jokes a bit more. Even before the show he is willing to meet fans, sign autographs, take pictures, and sell his own merchandise. As awesome as Emilie Autumn was, you couldn't meet her unless you paid $50. (Which would be a good deal if I had $50...)

His performance was even better. He interacted with the audience and was genuinely funny. Not to mention he sounds exactly as he does on his records. Plus, he sang some of the songs off his upcoming country album and gave us a demo of the 'Twilight' version of 'Vampire Club'. (It's not what you think. ;D) We even learned of his childrens album which is nearly finished! I would definitely see him the next time he comes to The Church. (Which isn't a real church by the way. XD)

I could make this more detailed, but it is 2:00 in the morning and I'm tired! XD

EDIT: Stupid photo won't resize! >.< I'm gonna fix it tomorrow..

"well i don't want to ruin your 'happiness' but I will say that all these hard times (and you will hav a lot) are faith testing, the devil will put hard tempting times to where you will question God, but its all test of faith and the devil is smiling at you becoming an Atheist and hates to see people saved: LIFE IS TOUGH, DEAL WITH IT it's not God's fault you're having a rough time, Those who stick with God through the rough will live eternally.." - some asshole on YouTube

Is it really such a shame that I choose to be my own God? Is it really so bad that I fix all my problems myself rather than wait for 'the Lord' to fix them? I am not cruel to people who believe in their religion, nor do I try to convert them to Atheism. So why should it matter what I believe? It's not the 'devil' who is ruining this world; it's people. It's not 'God' who fixes problems; it's people. Anyone of any religion can agree with this, no? My mother even told me that if she found out I was an Atheist, she would never talk to me again. (Which is why she doesn't know. Shhhhh!)

As I responded to this 'gentleman', everything I have accomplished feels much more grand because I did it myself. Without the help of any miracles. It is literally what gets me through the day. If I knew that all my hard work just to live was really a waste, I'd most likely choose the side of the devil. At least then when 'God' turns his back on me, I can do things on my own.

I'm not saying religion is all bad. A lot of churches help the world. Donate money to charities, teach kids, make people happy, ect. It's just not for me. And that shouldn't matter.

In other news: my anxiety is through the roof ever since I drove with the driving instructor today. And I have almost a whole week of this to go. I don't think I can do it. I honestly don't. The entire time for me was horrible. My thoughts were full of car crashes and dead people. Afterward I went to Walmart to get some Excedrin for my massive headache and almost had another panic attack. Voltaire is this Thursday and I don't want it to be ruined because I was freaking out all week. :/ Fuck I wish my mom still had muscle relaxers. Then again, I think I really would kill everybody. XD

It has been WAAAAAAAAAAY too long. But I decided I need to post something even if I have nothing to talk about. Still not doing anything productive but I am a little happier. :) It takes a lot of hurt in order to learn how to survive, and Darwin knows, I've survived. Even if that was only because of cheap fantasies and horribly produced music. Yeah I will probably never get the help I need nor will I be the person I want to be but life seems to go on in the end. Though I still plan on being the kindest person I can be no matter how much of a push-over it makes me. It's my only good attribute and I take absolute pride in it. All the fuckers who take advantage of it are meaningless to my future.

Why do people like me? This is a rhetorical question of course. (I'm not that ego-centric. XD)It's actually something I am looking to answer myself. You see, I have no clue who I am. After discussing this with another sufferer of Borderline, he implied that this is the ultimate issue. That seems kind of odd compared to the other symptoms of the disorder. If you really think about it, though, it sounds rather logical. It's because I have no clue who I am as a person, that I do not understand how to handle my emotions.

Due to the fact that I am not in any therapy, this is a very rough path to healing. So it's obvious that I am going to try all that I can to get better. I'm sure several of you can understand how hard it is to save yourself. I have been attempting this task for almost a year now, and it seems that I've actually gone back to square one. Thanks to all who've asked to help me or stayed by my side through this whole ordeal. But I think I can only do this on my own. It may come off as being "anti-social" but it will mean nothing if I cannot pick my own self up. Especially since I wouldn't want to bring people I cared about into my family soap opera anymore.

That being said, I'm not cutting people out of my life. Simply spending less time on the phone and internet. Hope this doesn't bother anybody. :/


EDIT: Please vote for Emilie Autumn and the other Bloody Crumpets for Faxo.com's "Ms. Twitter"! http://tweeter.faxo.com/Ms_Twitter/2010/03

I realized that I have been way too much of a downer lately, though I really cannot help it. It kind of comes with being a mental mind fuck. Seriously, between my emotional switches and expressing my dislike of things that everyone else likes, I'm surprised people haven't punched me in the face. (Hypothetically of course.) So I suppose I could talk about something happy. Like how excited I am for May 8th!

I am an SNL fan girl - a dieing breed, I know - as you may of gathered. The fact that Betty White is hosting and will be accompanied by Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Ana Gasteyer, Tina Fey, and more almost makes me want to jizz in my pants. Pity I don't have a penis…

***

I also think everyone should head over to vaginaclasm‘s journal! She's new to LJ and a really intelligent girl. I figured it would get her to post more if I whored her out. ;D

BETTY WHITE IS GOING TO HOST SNL ON MAY 8th!!!!!

:)

(You know who you are and who this is too. Unless your adorable wife is reading this.)

You seem to think you've done absolutely nothing wrong. That you are in the right and I am a child. I have asked you kindly to leave me out of your life so we wouldn't have to do this anymore. But alas, you are a bloody fool. Don't EVER contact me again. And you can tell the "nicest women you'll ever meet" that I am NOT a member of her family, nor shall I ever be. Her and Ashley have done nothing but start arguments when it is not their place. You are all a bunch of children of whom I refuse to associate with.

And, lest I forget, it was extremely offensive the way you tried to use money to "win me over". I tried to tell you I didn't want anything because that is no way to make up for being gone my entire life. Especially when you admitted on multiple occasions that you knew where I was. Frankly, you were just too late, as bribery is no way to win me over.

And lastly, you will NEVER receive the red carpet treatment that you said your friends had received. Because, unlike those other children, I know that what fathers like you did/do is non-deserving of people falling to their knees accepting your absence. (Not-to-mention you treated it like it was a trendy thing to do.) I refuse to be offended by the things you say.

I will not "quit my phase".
My friends aren't gay for attention.
I am not a redneck anti-Obama republican.
I am NOT a child who needs guidance.

EDIT: Wow. I was so angry when I wrote this that I missed all the mistakes.

Everyone has that one song they feel speaks directly to them. The one that reminds you that you're not alone. Although anything from "The Verve" pretty much does it for me, but nothing gets to me like "Bittersweet Symphony". I wish I could sing well so I could sing it the world. ;D

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no

Well, I've never prayed,
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind , I feel free now
But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here with my mold
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no

(Well have you ever been down?)
(I can't change, I can't change...)
(Ooooohhhhh...)

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah
You know I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no

(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down)
(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down)
(Been down)
(Ever been down)
(Ever been down)(Lalalalalalaaaaaaaa...)
(Ever been down)
(Ever been down)
(Have you ever been down?)
(Have you ever been down?)
(Have you ever been down?)




Angst at the original video not allowing me to embed!!!